Throughout my life, my biggest struggle has been the way that I treat myself. I have hated myself for a long time. I talk to myself like most people talk to their worst enemies. I insult myself every day, saying I'm not smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough.
Despite my meanness toward myself, I've never been especially mean to those around me. In fact, I hate being mean to others. I avoid confrontation at all costs. As a result, I take out all of my negative energy on myself, and this constant negative self-talk can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.
At the beginning of unit 12, I took a personality test called the big five personality test. This is a test that determines your personality based on the results of other people who have taken the test. This includes five major personality dimensions which encompass many other personality traits.
1. Neuroticism
This dimension includes moodiness, negativity, anxiety, and many other negative emotions
2. Extraversion
This dimension includes talkativeness, ability to enterprise, sociability
3. Agreeableness
This dimension includes friendliness, avoidance of confrontation, kindness, and ability to make connections with people.
4. Conscientiousness
This dimension includes responsibility, ability to set and achieve goals, and ability to be organized.
5. Openness
This includes creativity, imaginativeness, and artistic abilities.
When I took this test, these were my results.
In my personality report above, I turned out to be a high in both neuroticism and agreeableness. I've always wondered why I seem to experience life in such a negative light. These tests showed me that I tend to be pessimistic and anxious and sometimes even sad. However, this negativity generally only affects the way that I treat myself. On the other hand, I am highly agreeable. Therefore, I tend to have a lot of people tell me that I am a nice, caring, and compassionate person.
Based on this test, I want to force myself to be friendlier to myself. If I can be agreeable toward others, then I want to be more agreeable toward myself. Perhaps, my high level of agreeableness could counteract my neuroticism.